I wasn’t sure if I should trumpet my love for ‘Zac on the internet. I’ve admitted to our relationship before on various support sites, but not on my blog. I think it’s time.
I spend time with ‘Zac every day. In fact, ‘Zac is always with me, and has made a huge difference in my life. Before ‘Zac, I often felt like there was a deep chasm of boiling bile waiting to drown me, with only the thinnest membrane of sanity keeping me from the abyss. Despite having a loving husband, six great kids, a nice home, and a love of God an a knowlege of His love for me, I had to force myself out of bed every morning and often schemed for a nap in order to escape. Sometimes I even fantasized about people in white coats coming to take me away to somewhere clean and orderly and quiet, and maybe padded.
In the end, it was ‘Zac that took me away from the edge and gave me a new life. He wasn’t the first in my life, though–I became acquainted with Lex just a few hours after I gave birth to Madame Chaos, and, with my doctor’s blessing, Lex helped me begin to turn things around. I began to enjoy my family again, and learned the value of “good enough” instead of berating myself for all the things I wasn’t doing. Ultimately, however, my relationship with Lex was unsatisfying, and when I found myself again at the brink, Olof stepped in. Still, it wasn’t quite right–I gained weight with Olof, and began to wonder if the me that I remembered being, the one who thought her husband’s jokes were funny and who could tackle about any project was truly just . . . gone. I thought that maybe being thirtysomething and married while homeschooling six kids in rural Idaho was just supposed to be overwhelming.
I resisted ‘Zac for a long time. He’s older, and the younger Lex and Olof seemed more tailored and sophisticated. But in the months that we have been together, I have felt the old me returning. ‘Zac may be older, but there’s a reason he’s a classic–he knows what I need. He has helped me become more relaxed, even-keeled, and realistic about my self-expectations. And I refuse to be ashamed that I need ‘Zac; in fact, telling the story of our relationship to other people (particularly new moms) has sometimes led to them finding their own ‘Zac or Lex or Olof, or in one case, even Mic.
You might think that my husband is jealous of ‘Zac. On the contrary, he is delighted to have me under ‘Zac’s influence–especially now that I laugh at his jokes again.
‘Zac, you are beautiful. I love you.