My Love Affair With ‘Zac

I wasn’t sure if I should trumpet my love for ‘Zac on the internet.  I’ve admitted to our relationship before on various support sites, but not on my blog.  I think it’s time.

I spend time with ‘Zac every day.  In fact,  ‘Zac is always with me, and has made a huge difference in my life.  Before ‘Zac, I often felt like there was a deep chasm of boiling bile waiting to drown me, with only the thinnest membrane of sanity keeping me from the abyss.  Despite having a loving husband, six great kids, a nice home, and a love of God an a knowlege of His love for me, I had to force myself out of bed every morning and often schemed for a nap in order to escape.  Sometimes I even fantasized about people in white coats coming to take me away to somewhere clean and orderly and quiet, and maybe padded.

In the end, it was ‘Zac that took me away from the edge and gave me a new life.  He wasn’t the first in my life, though–I became acquainted with Lex just a few hours after I gave birth to Madame Chaos, and, with my doctor’s blessing, Lex helped me begin to turn things around.  I began to enjoy my family again, and learned the value of “good enough” instead of berating myself for all the things I wasn’t doing.   Ultimately, however, my relationship with Lex was unsatisfying, and when I found myself again at the brink, Olof stepped in.  Still, it wasn’t quite right–I gained weight with Olof, and began to wonder if the me that I remembered being, the one who thought her husband’s jokes were funny and who could tackle about any project was truly just . . . gone.  I thought that maybe being thirtysomething and married while homeschooling six kids in rural Idaho was just supposed to be overwhelming.

 I resisted ‘Zac for a long time.  He’s older, and the younger Lex and Olof seemed more tailored and sophisticated.  But in the months that we have been together, I have felt the old me returning.  ‘Zac may be older, but there’s a reason he’s a classic–he knows what I need.  He has helped me become more relaxed, even-keeled, and realistic about my self-expectations.  And I refuse to be ashamed that I need ‘Zac; in fact, telling the story of our relationship to other people (particularly new moms) has sometimes led to them finding their own ‘Zac or Lex or Olof, or in one case, even Mic

You might think that my husband is jealous of ‘Zac.  On the contrary, he is delighted to have me under ‘Zac’s influence–especially now that I laugh at his jokes again. 

‘Zac, you are beautiful.  I love you.

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5 Comments

  1. Kasey said,

    October 3, 2007 at 10:57 pm

    Nikki,
    I really, really love this post. It was very cute and witty and honest. Sometimes people (especially myself) want to hide all of their little imperfections, because the world will stop if people suddenly realize you’re not perfect, right??? I really appreciate you “keeping it real” and it makes me feel better about being more “real” myself.

  2. idahospud said,

    October 7, 2007 at 9:07 am

    Due to some concerned folks contacting me, I must clarify:

    ‘Zac = Prozac
    Lex = Lexapro
    Olof = Zoloft
    Mic = Lamictal

    I was hoping the links (the text in different colors) would clear up any confusion!

  3. idahospud said,

    October 7, 2007 at 9:18 am

    And Kasey, thanks for your comments. I do think it is important to be real about our struggles — if I hadn’t been, I wouldn’t have my dear ‘Zac today. It is lonely and difficult to keep up the perfection sham, and “real” people are much more approachable (and interesting, I think!). I’m still working on breaking the perfectionism habit, it helps to know that my efforts speak to you. You’re awesome. And perfect (heh heh).

  4. Gen Rideout said,

    October 14, 2007 at 6:22 pm

    Nikki–oh this is perfect!! thanks sooooo much for sharing. I love the humor and the truth woven together with the hope. It is devestating when our brain chemistry won’t let us enjoy the precious loved ones around us. I have a great love for Cym now since I had a falling out with Butrin. Those little side effects listed at the end of the package can be a whopper! Here’s to a fabulous fall and rest of our lives being alive and enjoying it!

  5. idahospud said,

    October 14, 2007 at 6:31 pm

    Wow, Gen, great to “see” you here! And thanks for the affirmation and understanding. It is indeed ironic when our own brain chemistry undermines our thought processes. Here’s to chemical romance!


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