Installment seven of Madame Chaos’ guest series on living hell well.
One of the curses of being three and its accompanying cuteness is that my mother — who has nursed a fragile hope of becoming a decent photographer for years — thinks that I am a natural subject for pixellation by her fancy digital camera. Maybe she thought that throwing over a thousand bucks at a camera and lenses and books and classes and editing software would make an iota of a difference to the fact that she just doesn’t have the EYE for anything beyond being a snapshot-taker. My previous five siblings have, patiently or impatiently, been coaxed into poses or ordered to “Do that again!” so she can try, however in vain, to capture that elusive artiness she just KNOWS must be waiting in the next whir of the shutter.
I have had to take it upon myself to be the one to finally break her. Of that hope, I mean. What years of crappy backgrounds, unfocused images, and horrid lighting choices have not taught her, I aim to instill.
It is for her own good.
If there is one image my mom desires to capture above all else, it is that sappy childhood-innocence crap that she sees over and over on photography sites and in other people’s scrapbooks. You know what I mean, the wide eyes, chubby cheeks, cupid-bowed pink lips, and lack of guile that add up to soft-focused maternal fantasy. She’s just got to get over it.
This is how it is done, folks.
The main thing to keep in mind is that she wants to believe she can have it all at once: the right lighting, a nice setting, and a cooperative subject. Thwarting just one of these items can usually get her to give up for a while. Witness this photo shoot, which my mother said aloud was to “experiment with the manual focus;” naturally, I wasn’t lulled into imagining that she was after anything but the Perfect Shot. I know my mom isn’t the only delusional would-be photographer, so fellow victims, follow these steps:
Now for this first one, act like you’re going to pay attention, just to get her hopes up.
Once the hopes are up, they fall all the harder in subsequent takes:
And for the piece de resistance (emphasis on resistance), my signature pose:
If that doesn’t work, show her you are REALLY done by getting out props:
Don’t fall for the “We’ll just wait awhile and try again” trick. Stay on your guard. In fact, if you can go for “Zoolander” instead of “innocent,” all the better:
Your mom might try a different day and a different setting. Don’t fall for it.
Do not let up, even if mom tries the “look how (obedient and) pretty sister is” trick:
You can do this!